I know I know it has been 2 years since I last wrote this blog and it might take sometimes until I gain you guys back.
Well, I had no excuse but you know it was the university, graduation, work and love life that happened in the past 2 years and I barely have time to come up with goods stories to share with you guys. I might have had a few but then they were faded away like how fast they popped up in my mind.
The thing is, my ex-boyfriend broke up with me. Which means I am single. However, I do not want to use this as an excuse to continue my blog but it is such an interesting thing to start my 2017 with ... and I need to share this with you all.
My previous entries that I wrote were completely from all stories my friends shared with me. Now, it is purely my story... the true story that even my own blog couldn't help me.
I and my ex-boyfriend met because we were introduced by our friend which was such a good sign when it comes to gay relationship. He is 6 feet tall, bearded and sexy-af Aussie man with over 4k followers on Instagram. I felt slightly intimidated with how unlikely it was that we both became "boyfriends" because my friends always joked around that he could have done better with boyfriend but I couldn't careless as I believe I am beautiful the way I am and I have what it takes to win his heart.
Long story short, our love life went so nice and smoothly as he is very easy and down-to-earth person which is opposite of my personality - very active, straightforward and bitchy sometimes. It was so smooth that all of my friends got jealous every time we posted pictures together on Facebook. The only problem was... we had long distance relationship. 2 and a half year of long-distant relationship was up and down from time to time but somehow we could maintain our relationship in such wonderful level - at least that is what I thought. Of course we fought sometimes and we made up - that is relationship.
Last quarter 2016, my life has become to a big turn as I had a big challenge in my life and a lot of things for me to sort out. None of them was about him nonetheless. However, those tasks and projects that I had to get done kind of took our time away. I barely met him and the stress made me less sexually active because I had less need for sex with him. Not that I did not find him sexually attractive, it was just my mind was overwhelmed with stresses and anxieties on things.
January 2017, we had a normal evening chatting and he requested to FaceTime which I always loved when he asked me first because I always worked on projects at the time and messaging would be the only way that I could keep in touch with him while working on my projects without any interruption.
I thought it was going to be just normal FaceTime session that we chatted about stupid things that happened during the day or talked about our family. Turned out he wanted to break up.
My heart raced and it beat so fast my Apple Watch could even detect it at the time. I did not see it coming or at least I did not even realize if he actually showed the sign before. I wasn't prepared for it since everything was quite normal in the past few days.
For the first time in my life, I felt so shocked and my body got stunned. I stopped what I was doing, I did cry on FaceTime when he said it but my body knew that crying wasn't enough - it shut down. I had to call my friend to hang out with me at the bar in order to talk about it. First I thought that alcohol would make me feel better - which was such a stupid idea - but I really had to go out somewhere and spend time with someone.
The night went on, 4 vodka-coke zeros were ordered, I surprisingly found myself not as sad as I was when he told me. I even danced to the song I love. I spent a minute asking myself what was wrong but there was no answer to myself.
The next day, feeling hungover yet I made it to my office, I and he continued talking and I tried so hard to get him to think twice. I, again, got surprised by how he was being so consistent with what he was saying and emphasized that he had been thinking about it so well and long enough. He stood his decision. It happened like that for a few days because I still could not accept the fact that he actually wanted to "break up". However, I didn't cry a bit just felt like it was firing in my chest. The only thing that kept me joyful was that because we could still have small chat everyday and he promised to come see me to talk about it, in person, but that was it. It took him a day or 2 before he replied. This was not normal to me as we used to chat everyday even tho it was small things. I could see the sign that he finally moved on or at least he wanted me to feel that way.
I gave up, finally.
how?
Well, it was me letting him know that he did not have to keep his promise that he would come to see me in person - I believed that kind of make this unsettling feeling linger around and it would not be good for both of us. I believed he wanted to focus on his own thing and I should let him do that.
It turned out that it became our last conversation - ever.
Before, I said good bye I kinda wanted to know the true reason behind all this - not sure if that was such a stupid thing to do - I just wanted to know the reasons (I even asked if he had someone else).
The reasons he gave me actually gave me chill and frustrations. I did not know whether it was his strategy to end this game of "A desperate asian boy trying to get his white boyfriend back"
They're all simply just about distance and all things we knew would have to face when we started this long-distant relationship. Those reasons actually upset me more than the fact that we broke up.
It was such a hard 1 month I had because I love to make people happy and laugh with my jokes. I had to keep the pain with me and kept on making people laugh. I pressed it so hard, it finally bursted out one night and I finally realized that I am actually a human-being not a super hero like everyone expected me to be since I gave a lot of advices about love to many people. I had to let myself go and be as much depressed as I could. I finally cried and knew that crying actually helped.
This failure of love I had, I learned that I should not blame anyone - even myself but one thing I learned was that I have overcome being a drama queen that was asleep in me - now she dies.
There is no need to express your sadness by being passive aggressive or making so big as if it was telenovela. It was simply you that needs to tell yourself, "Bitch, you got this! Cry if you want. Listen to sad songs, watching sad love movies if those will make you feel better. Just remember, you are Beyoncé not Adele". (Not saying that Adele is bad but her songs kind keep you down. Listen to Lemonade - no commercial intended)
I will continue with this blog more and it will be even fiercer than ever!
Scott is back.
<3
Well, I had no excuse but you know it was the university, graduation, work and love life that happened in the past 2 years and I barely have time to come up with goods stories to share with you guys. I might have had a few but then they were faded away like how fast they popped up in my mind.
The thing is, my ex-boyfriend broke up with me. Which means I am single. However, I do not want to use this as an excuse to continue my blog but it is such an interesting thing to start my 2017 with ... and I need to share this with you all.
My previous entries that I wrote were completely from all stories my friends shared with me. Now, it is purely my story... the true story that even my own blog couldn't help me.
I and my ex-boyfriend met because we were introduced by our friend which was such a good sign when it comes to gay relationship. He is 6 feet tall, bearded and sexy-af Aussie man with over 4k followers on Instagram. I felt slightly intimidated with how unlikely it was that we both became "boyfriends" because my friends always joked around that he could have done better with boyfriend but I couldn't careless as I believe I am beautiful the way I am and I have what it takes to win his heart.
Long story short, our love life went so nice and smoothly as he is very easy and down-to-earth person which is opposite of my personality - very active, straightforward and bitchy sometimes. It was so smooth that all of my friends got jealous every time we posted pictures together on Facebook. The only problem was... we had long distance relationship. 2 and a half year of long-distant relationship was up and down from time to time but somehow we could maintain our relationship in such wonderful level - at least that is what I thought. Of course we fought sometimes and we made up - that is relationship.
Last quarter 2016, my life has become to a big turn as I had a big challenge in my life and a lot of things for me to sort out. None of them was about him nonetheless. However, those tasks and projects that I had to get done kind of took our time away. I barely met him and the stress made me less sexually active because I had less need for sex with him. Not that I did not find him sexually attractive, it was just my mind was overwhelmed with stresses and anxieties on things.
January 2017, we had a normal evening chatting and he requested to FaceTime which I always loved when he asked me first because I always worked on projects at the time and messaging would be the only way that I could keep in touch with him while working on my projects without any interruption.
I thought it was going to be just normal FaceTime session that we chatted about stupid things that happened during the day or talked about our family. Turned out he wanted to break up.
My heart raced and it beat so fast my Apple Watch could even detect it at the time. I did not see it coming or at least I did not even realize if he actually showed the sign before. I wasn't prepared for it since everything was quite normal in the past few days.
For the first time in my life, I felt so shocked and my body got stunned. I stopped what I was doing, I did cry on FaceTime when he said it but my body knew that crying wasn't enough - it shut down. I had to call my friend to hang out with me at the bar in order to talk about it. First I thought that alcohol would make me feel better - which was such a stupid idea - but I really had to go out somewhere and spend time with someone.
The night went on, 4 vodka-coke zeros were ordered, I surprisingly found myself not as sad as I was when he told me. I even danced to the song I love. I spent a minute asking myself what was wrong but there was no answer to myself.
The next day, feeling hungover yet I made it to my office, I and he continued talking and I tried so hard to get him to think twice. I, again, got surprised by how he was being so consistent with what he was saying and emphasized that he had been thinking about it so well and long enough. He stood his decision. It happened like that for a few days because I still could not accept the fact that he actually wanted to "break up". However, I didn't cry a bit just felt like it was firing in my chest. The only thing that kept me joyful was that because we could still have small chat everyday and he promised to come see me to talk about it, in person, but that was it. It took him a day or 2 before he replied. This was not normal to me as we used to chat everyday even tho it was small things. I could see the sign that he finally moved on or at least he wanted me to feel that way.
I gave up, finally.
how?
Well, it was me letting him know that he did not have to keep his promise that he would come to see me in person - I believed that kind of make this unsettling feeling linger around and it would not be good for both of us. I believed he wanted to focus on his own thing and I should let him do that.
It turned out that it became our last conversation - ever.
Before, I said good bye I kinda wanted to know the true reason behind all this - not sure if that was such a stupid thing to do - I just wanted to know the reasons (I even asked if he had someone else).
The reasons he gave me actually gave me chill and frustrations. I did not know whether it was his strategy to end this game of "A desperate asian boy trying to get his white boyfriend back"
They're all simply just about distance and all things we knew would have to face when we started this long-distant relationship. Those reasons actually upset me more than the fact that we broke up.
I felt frustrated because it showed so much how our 2 and a half years of relationship were so fragile and weak. I felt frustrated because they were all simple things we could fix if one of us mentioned about it and tried to find the way to sort them out. I felt frustrated that someone I really loved simply ended this relationship with those reasons before we even discussed about it. I felt frustrated because I drowned myself in the happiness of having love without realizing that I actually have flaws.
It was such a hard 1 month I had because I love to make people happy and laugh with my jokes. I had to keep the pain with me and kept on making people laugh. I pressed it so hard, it finally bursted out one night and I finally realized that I am actually a human-being not a super hero like everyone expected me to be since I gave a lot of advices about love to many people. I had to let myself go and be as much depressed as I could. I finally cried and knew that crying actually helped.
This failure of love I had, I learned that I should not blame anyone - even myself but one thing I learned was that I have overcome being a drama queen that was asleep in me - now she dies.
There is no need to express your sadness by being passive aggressive or making so big as if it was telenovela. It was simply you that needs to tell yourself, "Bitch, you got this! Cry if you want. Listen to sad songs, watching sad love movies if those will make you feel better. Just remember, you are Beyoncé not Adele". (Not saying that Adele is bad but her songs kind keep you down. Listen to Lemonade - no commercial intended)
I will continue with this blog more and it will be even fiercer than ever!
Scott is back.
<3
Scott is back!!!! Looking to the next posts!!!
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