So it has been almost 10 months of being single while I am writing this entry. I have been fighting it to the max in order to achieve my personal goals in career. It has been SO WELL. However, it means I have to sacrifice my time for it instead of spending it on many other things. Here is the story of my 2017 of mood swing (LOL)
Well, before I start this entry, I would like to make it clear that it is very subjective and I would like to see it as my personal expression through my blog.
Let say, it has been 10 months and my life has taken its big big turn. I have tried so hard to filter myself on social media given the circumstances that it went way too far sometimes, I have been trying to achieve at least one personal goal per month, I have been learning Dutch for almost 2 months now (Ja, ik spreekt beetje Nederlands nu), I have been spending most of the time trying to be in a better shape - physically and mentally.
It has been 10 months of life journey, been to Europe (finally!), made more friends and "friends" (if you know what I mean) and gotten connected well with my family.
I guess my 3-paragraph introduction has been saying it all about this blog but let me tell you this...
I just discovered that the only reason I was very sad and downcast about being dumped by my ex (Hell, this is going to be my very very last time I mention about him - not because I hate him or anything, I just want to let "him" go... like really go. I have forgiven him though). The only reason I felt that way because I was afraid to be "alone"
...I knew the fact that without him, I would feel completely different. I would not be able to tag someone on the meme I found online which I believed he could relate to, I wouldn't be able to send someone a boring text message everyday and I knew I wouldn't be able to stand the fact that he is now happy with someone else while I am single. I have my childhood insecurity of being abandoned or mistreated by my own family and it will always be there which is why I had to try my ass off to be successful so that they would recognize and validate my existence but then I realized I didn't have to do it for them but for myself.
Well, mysteriously, it was not as difficult as I expected it to be. Yeah, there are a few sensitive things about him which nobody knows about (good!) but so far so good!
Why?
For 2 and a half years I had doubted myself from the beginning of relationship whether being in a committed relationship meant I should stop going to places like this or not, I should just stop drinking or not or I should just adjust my life to match my ex's or not. Part of me even said that I SHOULD... but then I had another question, "how about your own happiness, Scotty? are you ready to give it up?"
Here is why...
At the moment I met my ex in person and had such beautiful moments together which restored my faith in relationship again, I disgusted myself for being that slutty person and had since promised myself to never do that again. Yes, my alter-ego kinda made the world think I am still that promiscuous bitch. Unfortunately, I do not get that lucky. I mean, every time I tried to hookup with someone on Grindr, I lost my interest with the person so quickly unless he has something really special and I guess that mean I am grown up?
2 and a half years did not mean it was all in vain just because of what happened, I have learned so much more than I thought I would. I learned to value myself, I learned to gain my self-esteem and I learned to live in my own skin - gracefully and beautifully. I would never deny that he was the reason why. I would swallow my pride any day to admit that he was that one and maybe the only who made me understand how it felt like when someone really wanted you as a boyfriend.
I still regret things I both said to him when I found out the truth and said online which I still believed it changed my story from a happy-ending one to one of those Stephen king's horror kinda novels. I have apologized him and I have forgiven him though.
2 days ago, I watched Lady Gaga : Five two feet documentary on Netflix and there was part where she explained about her previous failed relationships. After she explained it, I had to pause it and had my moment... it flashed me back to another favorite movie of mine - The Intern.
Lady Gaga explained that as she got more successful, she had to sacrifice her men to her success. Same thing happened to Jules from the Intern who had such a successful start-up online fashion store. As her online store got bigger, her personal time got taken away resulting in her husband cheating on her.
My point is not that I am being successful or anything. My point is that, maybe all I needed all along was to take this road of life-learning experience where I get to do what I love? I did not mean that I would not be able to do so if I were still with my ex-boyfriend, I just realized that I almost made one person live his life unhappily because he had to try to understand me doing my things and he wouldn't even be able to ask me to stop. I still value every single moment I had with him and I miss them sometimes.
I could image that the path with him walking next to me would have been such a euphoric one but that means either one of us had to discard one or a few things that we loved... It is sad that we would never have had nor will ever have those beautiful moments again since our paths are no longer going to be crossed but I will be taking this path I chose, heavenly or melancholically, until I get to my goal. I am sure there will be a guy whom I will love as much as I did him but he will still be that "beautiful and kind ozzy boy" forever...
Stay tuned for my upcoming journey which will happen in next few months ;)
See ya,
Scotty
Well, before I start this entry, I would like to make it clear that it is very subjective and I would like to see it as my personal expression through my blog.
Let say, it has been 10 months and my life has taken its big big turn. I have tried so hard to filter myself on social media given the circumstances that it went way too far sometimes, I have been trying to achieve at least one personal goal per month, I have been learning Dutch for almost 2 months now (Ja, ik spreekt beetje Nederlands nu), I have been spending most of the time trying to be in a better shape - physically and mentally.
It has been 10 months of life journey, been to Europe (finally!), made more friends and "friends" (if you know what I mean) and gotten connected well with my family.
I guess my 3-paragraph introduction has been saying it all about this blog but let me tell you this...
I just discovered that the only reason I was very sad and downcast about being dumped by my ex (Hell, this is going to be my very very last time I mention about him - not because I hate him or anything, I just want to let "him" go... like really go. I have forgiven him though). The only reason I felt that way because I was afraid to be "alone"
...I knew the fact that without him, I would feel completely different. I would not be able to tag someone on the meme I found online which I believed he could relate to, I wouldn't be able to send someone a boring text message everyday and I knew I wouldn't be able to stand the fact that he is now happy with someone else while I am single. I have my childhood insecurity of being abandoned or mistreated by my own family and it will always be there which is why I had to try my ass off to be successful so that they would recognize and validate my existence but then I realized I didn't have to do it for them but for myself.
Well, mysteriously, it was not as difficult as I expected it to be. Yeah, there are a few sensitive things about him which nobody knows about (good!) but so far so good!
Why?
I have no loneliness...
Yes, we all have that one or a few friends that help you get through this kind of situation. In my case, my friends have been helping me by being there. I did not have to say a word when I need them to be around. I usually go to my favorite bar to hang out with them, judging me for being an alcoholic bitch, but the place has saved me.For 2 and a half years I had doubted myself from the beginning of relationship whether being in a committed relationship meant I should stop going to places like this or not, I should just stop drinking or not or I should just adjust my life to match my ex's or not. Part of me even said that I SHOULD... but then I had another question, "how about your own happiness, Scotty? are you ready to give it up?"
I was not ready to change myself for someone else just yet...
I would miss the smooth the taste of gin and tonic, the sweet taste of sperm shots (it is alcoholic shot name) that gets me f*cked up every time, the pop-trash music and my automatic urge of crazy dance moves to Crazy in love every time it is played in the club. That had became part of me, long before I even met my ex. The only thing that turned things horribly was my alter-ego I created online. The alter-ego of enraging, lustful and petty sassy person. Well, I would say that alter-ego has been hidden in me and I still wanted to keep him that way.Here is why...
At the moment I met my ex in person and had such beautiful moments together which restored my faith in relationship again, I disgusted myself for being that slutty person and had since promised myself to never do that again. Yes, my alter-ego kinda made the world think I am still that promiscuous bitch. Unfortunately, I do not get that lucky. I mean, every time I tried to hookup with someone on Grindr, I lost my interest with the person so quickly unless he has something really special and I guess that mean I am grown up?
2 and a half years did not mean it was all in vain just because of what happened, I have learned so much more than I thought I would. I learned to value myself, I learned to gain my self-esteem and I learned to live in my own skin - gracefully and beautifully. I would never deny that he was the reason why. I would swallow my pride any day to admit that he was that one and maybe the only who made me understand how it felt like when someone really wanted you as a boyfriend.
I still regret things I both said to him when I found out the truth and said online which I still believed it changed my story from a happy-ending one to one of those Stephen king's horror kinda novels. I have apologized him and I have forgiven him though.
2 days ago, I watched Lady Gaga : Five two feet documentary on Netflix and there was part where she explained about her previous failed relationships. After she explained it, I had to pause it and had my moment... it flashed me back to another favorite movie of mine - The Intern.
Lady Gaga explained that as she got more successful, she had to sacrifice her men to her success. Same thing happened to Jules from the Intern who had such a successful start-up online fashion store. As her online store got bigger, her personal time got taken away resulting in her husband cheating on her.
My point is not that I am being successful or anything. My point is that, maybe all I needed all along was to take this road of life-learning experience where I get to do what I love? I did not mean that I would not be able to do so if I were still with my ex-boyfriend, I just realized that I almost made one person live his life unhappily because he had to try to understand me doing my things and he wouldn't even be able to ask me to stop. I still value every single moment I had with him and I miss them sometimes.
I could image that the path with him walking next to me would have been such a euphoric one but that means either one of us had to discard one or a few things that we loved... It is sad that we would never have had nor will ever have those beautiful moments again since our paths are no longer going to be crossed but I will be taking this path I chose, heavenly or melancholically, until I get to my goal. I am sure there will be a guy whom I will love as much as I did him but he will still be that "beautiful and kind ozzy boy" forever...
Stay tuned for my upcoming journey which will happen in next few months ;)
See ya,
Scotty
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