Sadness doesn't last long, the mistakes that do.

Everytime, I watched Thai soap opera and when it came to depressive parts of it, I would always turn it off as it was always sad to think how people could handle such things, how they could manage to get through that kind of stuff or even how their lives would become after those hard times. I couldn't figure it out - not sure if it's because I am too stupid, too young or too blind to see the ways. But sadness is always like that, isn't it? No matter how much you try to avoid it, it always come to you.

I used to think when I was a little child that I was the most happy boy in the world because I had everything. I have my lovely mom, my great dad and my supportive family. Then I've learned my life a lot these past years that life can't be interesting if you are not sad, uninspired and depressive. 

I have had so many heartbreaking moments - there were so many that I, sometimes, just suddenly lost the faith in love. I used to believe that I might not need to love anymore because it always ended up me being heartbroken but so many times I managed to get through it and there was a moment I came to think "Well, it is actually the sign that I am still alive - I am sad and I am suffering. Of course, it means I still have feeling and the great thing is I still breathe"

So many people lose their balance after those depressive moments. Some of them just really want to sleep forever so that they didn't need to wake up to see how terrible it is anymore but you do wake up everyday and what you had to do is to acquiesce what you had done that led to what was happening. 

I kept blaming on my own nationality or my own race that made me become what I am now without realising that I've done a lot of stupid things. I just wish there was a life guide book so a lot things would be much better than it is right now. 

I never wanted to start over so many times and it is always hurting to think that I am the used person who will never be a pride for my future boyfriend. He will never be able to tell his friends about what I have done before, he will never be able to tell his parents where he meets me and he will never be able to hold me and not feel like I have done that with many guys before.

I have lied, both to myself and others and that's really bad to do such thing to other people. Lies never get anything in a good way. One thing I know that I can't lie, that is, my deep feeling that if people spend a little sometime to understand it, they will feel it but who would want to even have a bit of feeling for a person that was used and trashed by many others? A person who always fail in love life. 

Good thing about me or maybe it's only good thing I have all along is I have ability to make friends with any kind of people, regardless where they are from, which nation they are or even which sexual orientation they really are. I love making new friends because I know that it's about the amount of friends you have but it is all about how many more people that come in your life and make it such an interesting one. My friends always make me forget about basic thing that people always look for - relationship. Without relationship, I don't have to repeat all of those suffering moments I have had in the past time anymore.

Though, this doesn't mean Love doesn't happen to me. It is true that I hardly open my heart for people but when I do I give it more than 100%, I would spend my last dime to make sure that the other person feel special when he is with me or I feel happy when I am with him. I've learned to get less than to give him. Giving is always great. 

However, you can't expect that love must be always happy time otherwise there wouldn't be sad, depressive and heartbreaking song for you to listen through your hard time. Nobody expects it to happen, no matter if you, yourself, make that mistake or other things do. All you have to do is to understand situation and if you don't do it right you will end up losing everything. So many of my friends say that being gay sucks and I never wanted to believe that. Gay means happy and I know myself I should be always happy but sometimes it is too hard to pretend to smile when inside you is being destroyed.

I just want to have, at least once in my life time, a wonderful love and special someone. I always believe I will have those someday but someday sounds like forever. I am not afraid to end up being alone for the rest of my life. It's still long way to go. I am so afraid I will keep losing someone I care and love more and more because of my mistake that I didn't mean to happen because I can't take it back and mend anything at all.

I am so weak and lost.

This mistake I have made just gave me a life-time lesson and I know I'll never see his smile, laugh, charming eyes and happy face anymore. It is just like someone is stabbing me through my left chest and swing his knife to cut all of the veins that help my heart to keep beating. It's like I am dying while I am still alive. I am going to spend my entire life regretting about this.